Stay In Your Lane!!!!!!

“You’ve been married 3 years, what are you waiting for?”

 “So are you having a boy or a girl?”

“Surely you have some good news to give us!”

At the outset,  its important to note, this is not just at people having troubles getting pregnant, but also for those make an active choice not have children. Either way, your choice is yours alone and nobody has the right to question it.

In 2017, it is perfectly acceptable for a couple to choose not to have children, it doesn't make them any lesser human beings and it most certainly doesn't mean that the woman "is not complete". Lets cut the shit, I'd rather a world where two adults can make a clear and honest decision about having a family, as opposed to thinking of children as the golden chalice that is the cure to all maladies! I love children, I love the idea of having them but I respect not everyone may feel the same way and that is absolutely fine. We don't all have to agree, but respecting each others differences is what makes us better surely! I am in no place to judge your journey, its different but for you, its perfect!

On the flip side, are the couples wanting to have families but unable to do so for a number of reasons. Reserved for them, are the weekly/monthly questions at weddings, family functions and most social gatherings. Well to be fair, in our case it’s my beautiful better half bombarded with these queries, because, obviously, if a couple can’t have babies, the woman must be prepared to answer questions by all and sundry, because, you know society says so! *super sceptical hippo eyes*

I’m curious though, who made this rule? What was the logic behind it? Why is it anyone’s business when a couple do or don’t have kids, whether they even want to have kids? Its 2017, I mean seriously, are we still not accustomed to the idea of privacy, tact, respect and all that jazz? I continue to hear reasons such as “Ah Ram, you know back in *insert subcontinent location*, that’s how it was in those days, you get married and then you have babies”. Fair point, but back in said mystical subcontinent location in “those days”, women were not able to pursue education, careers or anything outside the kitchen/home. They lived with no voice, amongst other archaic practices. Yet here we are in 2017, women are running Fortune 500’s, traversed to outer space and back, mastered several fields including, politics, medicine, science, literature and business. chief and we still see them as cooking/cleaning/birthing machines

What irks me most though, is the acceptance that just because this attitude was acceptable 40 years ago, that its OK today. NEWSFLASH! It is not OK, and it will never be!

Let's look at the statistics (so this isn't just any old rant). 1 in 6 Australian couples will have trouble getting pregnant. Out of all the treated infertility cases in this country, women will account for 40 percent of these whilst 1 in every 35 males will suffer fertility issues. After the age of 35, women have a 1 in 3 chance of having fertility issues. Yes, you read that right, a 33% chance that they will suffer fertility issues. Thankfully, reproductive technologies such as IVF, will be responsible for over 1 percent of births in Australia, so if we have 20 million currently, over 200,000 births are a direct result of reproductive technologies. These bundles of joy would not even be in the picture minus this technology! Unfortunately, even with the use of IVF, the success rate is contingent on the one factor that is least variable, a woman’s age. That means after the age of 35, a woman’s chances of a live birth, drop to around 40% from a rate of around 55-60% prior to the age of 35. So, to put it simply, for 10 cycles of treatment, there may only be 4 live births from it. I hear skeptics say, well 4 kids don’t seem like such a bad result? No on the face of it, they’re not, but let’s take a minute to understand exactly what a woman puts herself and her body through to achieve this milestone when using IVF.

1-2 injections of hormones daily for 8-14 days to stimulate your ovaries to produce more eggs than a normal cycle. These eggs are then retrieved using ultrasound technology and a needle into each ovary whilst the woman is anaesthetised. The eggs are then fertilised and if successful, an embryo is formed and monitored constantly for 6-7 days. Then comes embryo transfer, i.e. inserting a catheter through the cervix into the uterus to place an embryo measuring 0.1 mm into a target area in the uterus measuring no more than 1 mm. Anywhere outside of this are may mean the embryo does not stick and grow as needed. Two weeks after this process, a blood test is conducted to check for a sign pregnancy. All up, this entire process has been around 4-6 weeks long i.e. one treatment cycle. Suddenly, 4 wins from 10 cycles now don’t seem as straightforward, neither does the toll it takes on a woman’s body and mind.

The mental and emotional toll a couple, particularly a woman, undergo through this is unforeseen and cannot be quantified. Each day is a new battle in its own way, filled with triumph, determination as well as sorrow and impending loss. Each day is spent filling one’s life with as much distraction so as not to think of the treatment and feed the fear mongering monster within. Each morning, couples going through this, wake up with the hope that today will be different. Some days it is, and some days it is anything but! The same hope that gets you out of bed each morning, is slowly tearing a little piece of your soul away, killing you.

Each day a million thoughts race through one’s mind, are we bad people? Did we not do something right and are being punished? Do we not deserve to have the dreams of parenthood fulfilled? And some days you’re filled with positivity and a never-ending sense of confidence that no matter how big the hurdle, we will overcome it, we will be parents.

As we fight these little battles daily, we also need to continue being at our best at what we do, at work or study or other commitments. We continue to be sons and daughters, siblings, friends to all those around us. We continue to work, pay bills and mortgages, invest in our future and fulfil some wants along the way. Unfortunately, none of these can stop just because it’s a “bad day”. So, we soldier on daily, and usually most days are good but even with all the positivity and good juju, you can’t always counter the effects of hormones. Countless women undergoing this treatment also deal with the numerous side effects. Changes in their mood, bloating, weight gain, fatigue, nausea are the main ones and some even as serious as Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).

As this inner battle rages, the questions unfortunately don’t seem to stop. I appreciate that people can’t exactly read our minds, but surely this has gone far beyond that. The argument now is one of, is it even your place to be enquiring about people’s lives and their personal choices? Would you be just as comfortable if I was to ask you such piercing, personal questions, about issues you are facing or your salary or even your sex life for that matter? Why are those topics taboo, yet asking a woman when she is going to have children acceptable? (because her having kids somehow affects your livelihood).

In my experience, I have found that the people asking these questions, have not been in our lives even once a year let alone ever. They have not been there to wipe away tears, help with the desolation that comes with this issue, yet they feel comfortable enough to ask about something which a couple may not feel the need to discuss or share with them. Admittedly, we have been unashamed of this journey and are always happy to speak out in the hope it gives someone else facing this the comfort that how they are feeling is ok, that they aren’t alone in this.

Frankly, this shit needs to stop, and it won’t until these questions are cut down, at times ruthlessly. At first the responses are polite and PC when answering the “so when are you guys having kids” question initially, but that eventually wears thin. So, in the spirit of fair warning, if you haven’t been in their lives or by their side through their triumphs and tragedies, and pester them with your blood lust to know their procreation timeline, you are likely to be on the receiving end of a downright uncomfortable response. You’re going to walk away thinking, this couple are downright rude and disrespectful. You can take comfort in the fact that they probably feel the same way about you.

So, the next time you decide you want to get the latest scoop in someone’s life, think twice. They are literally fighting every minute of every day to maintain some semblance of normality whilst this unpredictable journey unfolds in their life. Every question is at times a painful reminder of what could have been, of what they may not achieve, of the dark clouds that linger overhead. Alternatively, they don't want to have kids, for a number of reasons, which is their business, not yours. Rest assured, if they want you to know what their journey involves, they will tell you and if they haven’t, there’s a damn good reason.

“Miranda Devine…go home, you’re drunk!”

So I read something today that straight up pissed me off. Like burning eyes, lump in my throat pissed! I can’t express it either because I am surrounded by professionals as we all plug away in pursuit of our own ‘why’.

NewsCorp columnist and renowned broadcaster Miranda Devine published an article on Sunday the 5^th of February titled Don’t let your career make you a bad mother.  She opens with “I lost a friend to ovarian cancer last week, and at her funeral her five children spoke tenderly and at length of her greatest accomplishment — being a mother.” You read that and think, “Wow that’s deep, the headline is clearly clickbait”. Devine then goes on in length to describe how many women today are being coerced into pursuing their careers and become “feminist warrior” against the supposed gender pay gap of the patriarchy. And there began my shitty mood!

Coerced? Really? So you’re telling me the brilliant, hardworking females I know, love and work with are only there because someone put a gun to their head to become feminist warriors to fight against the non-existent wage gap? Right, so then the 2016 study by the Australian Council of Trade Unions, where it was found that over the last decade men were consistently earning up to 20% more than women, must be total hogwash. I mean of course men and women are making the same money Miranda, and Santa and the Easter bunny are also real (no kids, Uncle Shiv is just angry! Of course they’re real! More than Mrs. Devine could dream of being). Let’s put this in perspective, in May 2015 the Australian Bureau of Statistics found the average weekly wage of an Australian to be $1575.40 per week. That’s a total of $81,920 per annum (or as I like to call it, the annual mortgage on that 4 bedroom house anywhere in Sydney!). Assuming the average working woman made $81,920 last year, her male counterpart took home $98,304.96. That’s almost $17,000 or $315 per week. Please Miranda; tell me again how the Gender wage gap is a figment of the feminist warrior’s imagination.

For decades, women have fought, bled and died to enjoy the basic freedoms that we blokes take for granted. The freedom to vote, earn a wage in meaningful employment, do whatever they please with their bodies. Women like Maya Angelou, Rosa Parks, Edith Cowan, and Julia Gillard & Malala Yousafzai have dedicated their lives to being the examples so many young women desperately need today. They have taught millions worldwide that the constant pursuit of education, independence and women’s rights are not worth fighting for but in some cases even putting their lives on the line for.

I thought, well surely she can’t piss me off anymore through this article, but to quote Pacino, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in” and how! Devine then moves onto her next foot in mouth moment with, “Motherhood is under threat, as women are fooled into postponing their child-bearing years under the illusion that IVF can defeat nature’s clock. Ubiquitous mothering blogs focus on the mother at the expense of the child, teaching women that their worst failing is “putting everyone else first”.

This one really hit a nerve with me. The idea that any woman chooses, with all her wits about her, chooses to undergo IVF is perhaps the greatest disrespect I have seen on all those faced with the prospect of IVF. This one was real personal, it hit home far too strongly. It’s taken me almost 12 months to put this to paper and I still don’t know why.

From the moment I asked my then girlfriend out, I knew straight away, that I didn’t just want to marry her, but I couldn’t imagine anything more fulfilling than having a bunch (a rather large bunch, but that’s not up to me I’m told) of little babies with her. Babies with her eyes, nose, personality and my last name. I was convinced we were destined to be parents one day!

So after a year and a bit of enjoying being married and all the stuff that comes with it, we decided to really give this family thing a crack. Admittedly, we did believe the old wives tale of “when a man really loves a woman, they hug each other and then God blesses them with a baby”. So we didn’t get too military about it, we thought like all the amazing things we’ve been blessed with, this too would happen. But after months of unsuccessful attempts, we decided to seek help, so early last year, after months of trying, we sought some advice from a fertility specialist. After a barrage of tests and pills and potions, we came to a conclusion. One that brought my world crumbling down, we would never be able to conceive naturally, the reason? Well, in layman’s terms my ‘boys’ can float but they just can’t seem to swim and so natural conception is done and dusted, fatherhood now hinges on IVF, or ICSI more specifically. In an instant and rather cruel twist of fate, it seemed the universe had decided to make this goal significantly harder. All of a sudden our hopes and dreams were all pinned on three letters, I-V-F.

Fast forward a year, filled with fear, trepidation, hope, faith and plenty of tears (and that’s just my own), Priya now faces a challenge that is formidable, she faces egg retrieval, injections ,scans, treatment and no shortage of poking and prodding and intrusion. To say to her, or any woman faced with her plight, some very dear to us, that they chose IVF is not just wrong, it’s repugnant! This method to conceive is often faced by couples who have no other option. It involves the woman constantly having her personal space intruded and being the subject of a dozen or more tests. The costs are no less than $10,000 a round (chump change for you perhaps Ms. Devine, but for most of us in the real world that’s life-changing money). Granted the government and private health funds do give you back a fair chunk of that cost, it’s still no mean feat!

Furthermore, a mother who chooses to put herself first is not selfish! I was born to hardworking, humble, middle class parents. My mum gave my brother and me a beautiful home, food on the table, all the love we could ever want and raised us to be the strong, hardworking men. She did all this whilst she worked 50 hours a week as an Executive Assistant in a various firms. She graduated university with a Bachelor’s Degree in Economics, at a time when women were married at 19 and mums by 21. She epitomizes the meaning of being a mum (and my old man is her biggest supporter), She has put her children before everything despite being a successful, professional. If it wasn’t for women like her across the world, none of us would be able to enjoy half the life we have!

There is a point in that article, which I did agree with Miranda on. She says that in a survey in the UK a third of working mums would much rather stay home with their children than be out working. No shit! Of course they would, but the fact of the matter is every working mum out there probably needs to be at work. This was fantastically put by Em Rusciano, renowned radio host, feminist and single mum, on her show this week when she said “Miranda, I don’t wake up at 4am daily because it pleases me, I do it because my kids now need IPad’s and laptops for school, I need to work to pay bills and provide for them”. It must be tough for Miranda to fathom the average battler’s life from high stunning ivory tower, but the truth is most working women today probably need to be at work, so their families don’t suffer financially, so they can enjoy a home of their own, food on the table and provide their children with the possibility of being whatever they want. That’s what my mum, my mother in law and sisters work for, to give their children the ability to not just dream, but to go forward and conquer them.

Isn’t it enough, that a mum faces criticism or questioning on her methods of motherhood, like it were an episode of shark tank? Isn’t it enough that mums everywhere are faced with constant fear and worry of whether they are doing a good enough job? Isn’t it enough that a mum fights inner battles for choosing to leave her children in care so she can go out and earn a buck or two? Why does that make her a bad mum?

Miranda ends her 1000 words of Sunday vitriol with “Most women are smart enough to understand that there are goals worthier than career status, even if they don’t always have the luxury of choice.” Truth be told Ms. Devine, they are far smarter than you could aspire to be, sadly it seems that in the pecking order you still rate higher in earning potential. So unfortunately, they don’t have a choice, they have to work, they have to earn but the silver lining, is that as they choose to go forth and pursue their career despite being mum’s, we slowly make opinions like yours irrelevant. We slowly work towards making it just fine to be a mum and have a career and put yourself first sometimes.

To any mum, or prospective mum or a woman dreaming of being a mum one day, that was unfortunate enough to read Miranda Devine’s article, I say this. Don’t let the opinion of a few dictate how you feel about this. Be proud, you are amazing, when God made a woman, he made her strong willed, and determined, he made her this way in all her wisdom, so one day the world would realise that women are amongst the most noble, powerful beings on the earth. They are nurturing, loving and caring, yet they are strong beyond words, possess infinite intelligence and perseverance. My greatest wish is to have a bunch of daughters, in a world where they can be doctors or drill sergeants, mums or mechanics, hell even both. I dream of a world where a woman chooses her life, free of hate, chauvinism or fear! So to you Ms. Devine, I say F*** OFF!!!