Stay In Your Lane!!!!!!

“You’ve been married 3 years, what are you waiting for?”

 “So are you having a boy or a girl?”

“Surely you have some good news to give us!”

At the outset,  its important to note, this is not just at people having troubles getting pregnant, but also for those make an active choice not have children. Either way, your choice is yours alone and nobody has the right to question it.

In 2017, it is perfectly acceptable for a couple to choose not to have children, it doesn't make them any lesser human beings and it most certainly doesn't mean that the woman "is not complete". Lets cut the shit, I'd rather a world where two adults can make a clear and honest decision about having a family, as opposed to thinking of children as the golden chalice that is the cure to all maladies! I love children, I love the idea of having them but I respect not everyone may feel the same way and that is absolutely fine. We don't all have to agree, but respecting each others differences is what makes us better surely! I am in no place to judge your journey, its different but for you, its perfect!

On the flip side, are the couples wanting to have families but unable to do so for a number of reasons. Reserved for them, are the weekly/monthly questions at weddings, family functions and most social gatherings. Well to be fair, in our case it’s my beautiful better half bombarded with these queries, because, obviously, if a couple can’t have babies, the woman must be prepared to answer questions by all and sundry, because, you know society says so! *super sceptical hippo eyes*

I’m curious though, who made this rule? What was the logic behind it? Why is it anyone’s business when a couple do or don’t have kids, whether they even want to have kids? Its 2017, I mean seriously, are we still not accustomed to the idea of privacy, tact, respect and all that jazz? I continue to hear reasons such as “Ah Ram, you know back in *insert subcontinent location*, that’s how it was in those days, you get married and then you have babies”. Fair point, but back in said mystical subcontinent location in “those days”, women were not able to pursue education, careers or anything outside the kitchen/home. They lived with no voice, amongst other archaic practices. Yet here we are in 2017, women are running Fortune 500’s, traversed to outer space and back, mastered several fields including, politics, medicine, science, literature and business. chief and we still see them as cooking/cleaning/birthing machines

What irks me most though, is the acceptance that just because this attitude was acceptable 40 years ago, that its OK today. NEWSFLASH! It is not OK, and it will never be!

Let's look at the statistics (so this isn't just any old rant). 1 in 6 Australian couples will have trouble getting pregnant. Out of all the treated infertility cases in this country, women will account for 40 percent of these whilst 1 in every 35 males will suffer fertility issues. After the age of 35, women have a 1 in 3 chance of having fertility issues. Yes, you read that right, a 33% chance that they will suffer fertility issues. Thankfully, reproductive technologies such as IVF, will be responsible for over 1 percent of births in Australia, so if we have 20 million currently, over 200,000 births are a direct result of reproductive technologies. These bundles of joy would not even be in the picture minus this technology! Unfortunately, even with the use of IVF, the success rate is contingent on the one factor that is least variable, a woman’s age. That means after the age of 35, a woman’s chances of a live birth, drop to around 40% from a rate of around 55-60% prior to the age of 35. So, to put it simply, for 10 cycles of treatment, there may only be 4 live births from it. I hear skeptics say, well 4 kids don’t seem like such a bad result? No on the face of it, they’re not, but let’s take a minute to understand exactly what a woman puts herself and her body through to achieve this milestone when using IVF.

1-2 injections of hormones daily for 8-14 days to stimulate your ovaries to produce more eggs than a normal cycle. These eggs are then retrieved using ultrasound technology and a needle into each ovary whilst the woman is anaesthetised. The eggs are then fertilised and if successful, an embryo is formed and monitored constantly for 6-7 days. Then comes embryo transfer, i.e. inserting a catheter through the cervix into the uterus to place an embryo measuring 0.1 mm into a target area in the uterus measuring no more than 1 mm. Anywhere outside of this are may mean the embryo does not stick and grow as needed. Two weeks after this process, a blood test is conducted to check for a sign pregnancy. All up, this entire process has been around 4-6 weeks long i.e. one treatment cycle. Suddenly, 4 wins from 10 cycles now don’t seem as straightforward, neither does the toll it takes on a woman’s body and mind.

The mental and emotional toll a couple, particularly a woman, undergo through this is unforeseen and cannot be quantified. Each day is a new battle in its own way, filled with triumph, determination as well as sorrow and impending loss. Each day is spent filling one’s life with as much distraction so as not to think of the treatment and feed the fear mongering monster within. Each morning, couples going through this, wake up with the hope that today will be different. Some days it is, and some days it is anything but! The same hope that gets you out of bed each morning, is slowly tearing a little piece of your soul away, killing you.

Each day a million thoughts race through one’s mind, are we bad people? Did we not do something right and are being punished? Do we not deserve to have the dreams of parenthood fulfilled? And some days you’re filled with positivity and a never-ending sense of confidence that no matter how big the hurdle, we will overcome it, we will be parents.

As we fight these little battles daily, we also need to continue being at our best at what we do, at work or study or other commitments. We continue to be sons and daughters, siblings, friends to all those around us. We continue to work, pay bills and mortgages, invest in our future and fulfil some wants along the way. Unfortunately, none of these can stop just because it’s a “bad day”. So, we soldier on daily, and usually most days are good but even with all the positivity and good juju, you can’t always counter the effects of hormones. Countless women undergoing this treatment also deal with the numerous side effects. Changes in their mood, bloating, weight gain, fatigue, nausea are the main ones and some even as serious as Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS).

As this inner battle rages, the questions unfortunately don’t seem to stop. I appreciate that people can’t exactly read our minds, but surely this has gone far beyond that. The argument now is one of, is it even your place to be enquiring about people’s lives and their personal choices? Would you be just as comfortable if I was to ask you such piercing, personal questions, about issues you are facing or your salary or even your sex life for that matter? Why are those topics taboo, yet asking a woman when she is going to have children acceptable? (because her having kids somehow affects your livelihood).

In my experience, I have found that the people asking these questions, have not been in our lives even once a year let alone ever. They have not been there to wipe away tears, help with the desolation that comes with this issue, yet they feel comfortable enough to ask about something which a couple may not feel the need to discuss or share with them. Admittedly, we have been unashamed of this journey and are always happy to speak out in the hope it gives someone else facing this the comfort that how they are feeling is ok, that they aren’t alone in this.

Frankly, this shit needs to stop, and it won’t until these questions are cut down, at times ruthlessly. At first the responses are polite and PC when answering the “so when are you guys having kids” question initially, but that eventually wears thin. So, in the spirit of fair warning, if you haven’t been in their lives or by their side through their triumphs and tragedies, and pester them with your blood lust to know their procreation timeline, you are likely to be on the receiving end of a downright uncomfortable response. You’re going to walk away thinking, this couple are downright rude and disrespectful. You can take comfort in the fact that they probably feel the same way about you.

So, the next time you decide you want to get the latest scoop in someone’s life, think twice. They are literally fighting every minute of every day to maintain some semblance of normality whilst this unpredictable journey unfolds in their life. Every question is at times a painful reminder of what could have been, of what they may not achieve, of the dark clouds that linger overhead. Alternatively, they don't want to have kids, for a number of reasons, which is their business, not yours. Rest assured, if they want you to know what their journey involves, they will tell you and if they haven’t, there’s a damn good reason.